6.19.2010

this morning xavier woke up at 3:40am to eat. he was doing fine until about 5 minutes in and he released and started crying. so i burped him and then changed his diaper. when i tried to offer it back to him he didnt want anything to do with it and cried again. i calmed him down and he was happy. i offered it back to him again, same thing. i offered the other side to him thinking maybe he just wanted a change, he ate for about 3 minutes, released and cried and after that wouldnt eat again. this is our routine for eating a lot of the times. it takes a good hour or so for him to eat a good 15 minutes worth. its very frustrating. i try different positions, burp him, clean out his nose, pump and offer him a bottle, but nothing seems to work. he roots around so i know he is hungry but when i offer it to him he doesnt go for it. its really weird.

about 5am we finally went back into the bedroom because it was very clear he wasnt going to eat again and was very content and sleepy. i laid him in his pack n play and he stared at me while i got into bed. within seconds i grabbed him up and put him in bed with me.we were cuddling and he was just staring away at me and i was doing the same back. i decided to try and feed him again, and he took it and ate for a while. finally! after he was done eating he was looking at me and smiled. i started rubbing his cheek and he continued to smile and his eyes rolled back into his head. he was enjoying it and it showed. i rubbed his head and cheeks until he fell asleep.

while he was sleeping i continued to just stare at him. he is so little yet already so amazing. i thought about how no matter how frustrating or how long it takes to breastfeed him, that is the absolute best thing for him and i wont give up. i wont give up.